April Fools is no laughing matter⁠—in today’s climate of endemic misinformation, every day is April Fools if you ask me. Still, despite the crisis of Truth in today’s internet, figures from throughout the gaming world still press on with their unconscionable horseplay, pumping out fake, silly announcements alongside real news and leaving humble reporters such as myself to sort out the difference. What follows is a dispatch from the front lines of April Fools, my favorite sins from this yearly celebration of lies.

Modder “fixes” Dark Souls’ worst boss

You may remember Crest from their work going out of bounds in Demon’s Souls. Well on this holiest of days the modder decided to “fix” infamous Dark Souls puzzle boss Bed of Chaos… by throwing in clusters of some of the most aggravating enemies in the game. Try it for yourself, why don’t you?

Wait, they’re already on John Wick 5?

YouTuber and BigMode head Dunkey has the inside scoop on John Wick: Chapter 5, a black and white meditation on desolate, industrial Americana vaguely reminiscent of Twin Peaks: The Return, or as the YouTuber himself puts it: “Experience the exciting conclusion to the John Wick trilogy with John Wick Chapter 5 : The Road Wick. After the Shadow Men ruin John Wick’s rug, Wick has to team up with his greatest enemey Morpheus Fisborne and take out the Shadow Men for one last ride.”

ASUS Air Fryer

The ruling body of the Republic of Gamers itself brings us a new way to snack n’ play: a got dang air fryer shaped like a graphics card??? The TUF Turbo Max 4090 offers “3 radiant burners” as well as “sensor touch control with safety lock,” and honestly doesn’t look to be that much bigger than an actual RTX 4090.

Morrowind-focused YouTuber asks: “Should you play Morrowind?”

RIP Sonic

47, your next target is a washed up platformer mascot from the ’90s, often affectionately called “The Blue Blur.” After failing to adapt to new technology and market conditions, he fell on hard times, trading on former glories. Now we hear he’s come into a significant amount of debt, and is wanted by the authorities for insider trading, something about a mobile phone adaptation of the popular “Chao Garden” game mode. He’s still living the fast life, and often fails to look where he’s going. Good luck, 47.

PUBG “Bizarre Battle Royale”

PUBG introduces a special custom game mode every year for April Fools, and this year’s offering includes flaming zombies, kaiju chickens, and… speed boosting anabolic steroids? Usually you have to talk to a shady guy in the gym locker room for some of those, but winners don’t juice, kids (unless they can get away with it!)

Hyper-realistic MilSim adds Metal Gear-style Mecha

I know we mostly report on the game to cover all the classified military documents that keep getting leaked to their forums (seriously man, what the hell), but War Thunder has a lot to offer military hardware gearheads who demand an exacting simulation of modern warfare. I’m not gonna lie though, if it actually had the Yoji Shinkawa-ass personal mech suits and massive walking tanks teased in its latest April Fools videos, it might become my kinda game.

Introducing: The Razer Razer

With all the edginess and Blade stuff going on, it was only inevitable that peripherals manufacturer Razer bring us “the world’s first shaving mouse.” We have conquered DPI and input lag, and now we move on to ingrown hairs.

Overwatch’s “Very Serious Patch Notes” for a real mode you can play

After “communing with the Pachimari,” the Overwatch team has released some “– DRAFT – DO NOT PUBLISH” patch notes for a very balanced and fair update to the long-running hero shooter. Ok, maybe not, but it’s still making for a fun new arcade mode you can play right now.

Guild Wars 2 wants you to do your little turn on the catwalk (yeah, on the catwalk)

First reported by our peers at Massively OP, ArenaNet unveiled its patch notes for the true endgame of its venerable fantasy MMO: fashion. Fashion-forward changes include the Thief’s steal “now additionally steals the target’s style by emulating their wardrobe selection and dye choices in PvP only,” or the Warrior having “Increased effectiveness of bodybuilders’ Side Chest stance by 10% in all gameplay modes.”

The notes may be a joke, but the actual catwalk for impromptu fashion shows at the Crow’s Nest Tavern is very, very real.

Magic Arena replaces your play field with a school desk from 1993

This one is honestly one of my favorites, nailing that middle school Magic magic by replacing Magic: The Gathering Arena’s play field  with a scratched up, retro schoolhouse desk, complete with off-brand snacks, binder, cassette tape, and pizza on a paper plate. As an added bonus, the default card back looks all scuffed up and well-loved like a real middle schooler’s deck. Now, that’s cute and all, but have they considered that this will ruin the collector’s value?

“Get fit the Warhammer Way”

I would call myself a fitness enthusiast—I’ve run three marathons and have pulled a 600lbs deadlift—but I can’t for the life of me explain why so many people work out by hitting a hammer with a tire, or do that thing with the ropes? It must be a CrossFit thing. If you do know, please don’t explain it to me, but whatever my befuddlement I can’t help but love this Warhammer, uh, hammer. Apparently the transhuman warriors of the dark future got that way through functional fitness.